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Robert Burke Richardson
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 11:45 am: | |
Here're some examples of 'bad' slush from a mainstream magazine (I actually think some of the sentences are rather clever, though perhaps the really interesting parts weren't intended):
Slicing the steak in Rena's cozy kitchen, I considered taking another stab at marriage.
"Spider Jackson?" I scoffed. "Spider Jackson? He wouldn't hurt a fly!"
"I'm glad I'm not out on a night like this," Sarah said.
"We need the rain, Sarah," Daniel rebuked her. He picked up the newspaper and was soon absorbed in its pages.
"Just a few questions," the lieutenant said.
"My ass," said the redhead.
The lieutenant didn't like profanity but he had to admire the woman's spirited quality. It was easy to see how she had risen so fast in the business world.
Without moving, she reached across and kissed him.
"Well," she said suavely, "viola for now."
The editor sighed. Look at all those Type O's.
And here's some slush of the speculative variety, apparently culled from Asimov's:
Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.
"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to come back naked and not aware of anything."
He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he'd just throw away.
Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.
"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"
Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling. |
KS
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 12:39 pm: | |
Oh my... can't stop laughing. Is all Asimov's slush that filthy? |
ET
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 03:26 pm: | |
A lot of such stuff come from competitions where people are requested to send it. Some of it may be the work of individuals who just like to write badly. I've seen quite a lot of these lists, and I take with a grain of salt the claims that they come from actual slush piles. That said, they're quite enjoyable (although once you've read a few hundreds of them...). |
Melissa Mead
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 04:40 pm: | |
LOL...oh dear... |
Jeffrey J Lyons
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 05:33 pm: | |
Humorous stuff but I hope that one of the writers representented here doesn't get offended at being made sport of. |
Thomas R
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 06:09 pm: | |
Dang, it's before I submitted anything to anyone. Meaning I'd be amused to be on such a list, not hurt. Then again I'm weird |
Pat M.
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 06:31 pm: | |
Would that make you an accepted reject?
I'd be happy to appear on that list as well. |
J.P.
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 07, 2004 - 08:34 pm: | |
I did some assistant editing for some e-books and was shocked at some of it. One book that was about fifteen hundred pages, was so bad that it seemed like English was his second language. He digressed from the story for a whole chapter to discuss some interesting animals. One of my favorite parts was the stallion who reared up on the sand by the sea and his hooves came down and struck sparks and clattered loudly. The whole thing was like that. That sad thing was, it was getting published. |
Dave E.
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 06:59 am: | |
RBR,
Those are laugh-so-hard-the-milk-comes-out-my-nose funny! If some genius could fill a short story with lines like those I think it would be a winner. |
ET
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 01:15 pm: | |
Have you read The Eye of Argon? |
prs
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 08, 2004 - 07:33 pm: | |
a real life example...
"Yes, I caled you a racist after you called me a whiner and a victim. You came to an incorrect conclusion about me based solely on what I'd written without really knowing me, so fair is fair..." |
Jonathan Laden
| | Posted on Friday, January 28, 2005 - 10:45 pm: | |
"Individuals who just like to write badly." LOL.
I've claimed that aspiration after more than one critique session.
My writing group is starting to suspect my sincerity on that score... |
George H Scithers
| | Posted on Saturday, January 29, 2005 - 05:18 pm: | |
The one that sticks in my mind -- from my days as the editor at IAsfm: "Officially, Angela was a chair."
As for cover letters: "This is not science fiction. It is about Truth and Beauty, but you will like it anyway." -- and from another writer: "I have had my story notarized, so that if you try to steal it . . ." [I read no further, and the story, not at all.]
George H Scithers |
Thomas R
| | Posted on Saturday, January 29, 2005 - 05:58 pm: | |
Hmm looking through the one of Asimov's again those are pretty funny. This one.
It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would imagine they could.
Almost has a low-rent Douglass Adams quality. |
des
| | Posted on Sunday, January 30, 2005 - 12:17 am: | |
George says: [I read no further, and the story, not at all.]
*************
But what if it was a great story that would have been a tremendous lift for whatever you were reading for at the time?
des
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George H Scithers
| | Posted on Sunday, January 30, 2005 - 04:04 pm: | |
Anyone who thinks editors are just waiting to pounce on unsuspecting, beginning authors and steal their stories are far FAR more trouble than they are worth.
You must remember: a story by an unknown author is simply not worth very much. Add a whiny, suspicious author and the story quickly acquires a negative value.
I've published stories by Stephen King (admittedly reprints) and by then-currently best-selling novelists. Neither produced any noticeable change in our newsstand sales for those issues. |
Robert Burke Richardson
| | Posted on Sunday, January 30, 2005 - 06:34 pm: | |
King is old news -- you need a cover story by Pamela Anderson! |
des
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 04:56 am: | |
Anyone who thinks editors are just waiting to pounce on unsuspecting, beginning authors and steal their stories are far FAR more trouble than they are worth.
The cover letter, the author's name, the author's attitude etc, can have no possible bearing on how good or bad the story itself is.
You may have missed publishing a great life-changing story by not reading it.
You must remember: a story by an unknown author is simply not worth very much. Add a whiny, suspicious author and the story quickly acquires a negative value.
I find those staggeringly patronising statements, even disregarding my point above.
des
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Scott William Carter
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 08:08 am: | |
The cover letter, the author's name, the author's attitude etc, can have no possible bearing on how good or bad the story itself is.
You may have missed publishing a great life-changing story by not reading it.
While this may be true, it omits the fact that publishing is also a business. Editors are looking for writers who are easy to work with, who can produce good stories again and again and help sell their product. If an editor can recognize at a glance that this jerk author is not already a name who will help sell his magazine, why would he want to work with him?
As one editor once said to me, "Editors don't buy stories. They buy careers." When you look at it that way, you can completely understand George's point. |
des
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 08:20 am: | |
Hi, Scott. Both of aour statements included in your post can co-exist without contradicting each other.
Writer A, however, may indeed be a jerk and need cossetting into a social and/or commercial animal. None of this of course affects his or her story.
Perhaps, the best thing is to get the story out there with or without their intervention as a name or a body. Equally, why not give the story to some handsome, agreeable persona who can sell the story and the publication that it is in? Writer A will then be the story's ghost writer, effectively. This is where the 'business' argument might lead...
One can extrapolate and brainstorm here forever.
The best way, I feel, is the way I do it with 'Nemonymous'. Naturally! ;-)
des
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Dave
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 08:45 am: | |
The cover letter, the author's name, the author's attitude etc, can have no possible bearing on how good or bad the story itself is.
You may have missed publishing a great life-changing story by not reading it.
And that lottery ticket sticking out from under the pile of dog dung may be a winner. Do you fish it out just to see?
I don't see George's attitude as patronising--just practical.
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des
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 08:56 am: | |
Well I found:
You must remember: a story by an unknown author is simply not worth very much. Add a whiny, suspicious author and the story quickly acquires a negative value.
patronising, but if you feel it isn't and that this attitude is practical, I'm willing to be swayed. I believe that every story has a loving writer owning it and each story should be read and treated with respect, even if the surroundings given to it by the author are 'jerkish'. However, I bow to the perceived business needs. I've unreservedly lost the argument.
des
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des
| | Posted on Monday, January 31, 2005 - 09:09 am: | |
However, I bow to the perceived business needs. I've unreservedly lost the argument.
One reservation, though. Genuinely need the answer. Those editors that apply this sort of judgment:
You must remember: a story by an unknown author is simply not worth very much. Add a whiny, suspicious author and the story quickly acquires a negative value.
do they actually make lots of money for the outlet and the writers? If not, I recant my losing the argument.
des
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George H Scithers
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 02, 2005 - 09:32 pm: | |
The point about an unknown (that is, not previously published enough to have a recognizable name) writer's story not being worth very much is that it's not worth the editor's and the publisher's reputations to steal his or her story. And yes indeed, there ARE writers who are simply too much trouble to deal with. After more than forty years in the trade, I'm getting to know whom to avoid, because they're simply not worth the trouble and aggravation, just as stories typed single-line-spaced, with six point type, on both sides of the paper are not worth the eye-strain to read them. A less egregious example (than the chap who had his story notarized, so that if I tried to steal it . . .) was the one whose cover letter announced that he had sent the story several markets at once and proposed to sell it to whoever made the highest offer. To him, I simply explained that we don't do business that way.
Somewhat different situation: were you an editor who had spotted someone trying to sell you a story previously written by someone else as his own, would you ever bother to read anything else by that plagiarist?
George H Scithers
1st editor of Asimov's SF Magazine
13th editor of Amazing Stories
and currently editor of Weird Tales |
des
| | Posted on Thursday, February 03, 2005 - 12:05 am: | |
Experience is fine and must stand you in good stead, George. And I see I may have taken the wrong slant with what you said and, if so, I apologise: although I still would like to debate your generalisation that a new writer's story is not worth very much (in whatever context). I also agree that if you do happen to get to know a certain writer and he (for example) has been proved of plagiarism, then he should be avoided. There can always be extremes, where you are bound to be correct.
May I suggest that a lot of the concerns re format and cover letter etc stem from pre-email days. I do get masses of submissions for my magazine and I find it very easy to handle email submissions (administratively and as a reading editor - even as a one-man band handling all these things) -- and, equally, the concerns of presentation that some editors spend their time fulminating about rarely apply.
One short email followed by a delete switch and the job's done. Or issue holding notice emails on the others in strict email date chronological order, and there is no chasing by author to editor. Etc. Etc. I could go on.
Separate from email submissions in general (and a completely different argument), I myself read submissions whilst they are anonymous (beyond contract issue stage and I only know the name when the contract is completed). And so, for example, your 'value of a new writer's story' (or any writer's story) is not relevant. And anonymous submitters are 'better behaved', judging by what I've heard from other more traditional editors about their submitters!
Coupled with all this (another completely separate point) the ability to have 'beauty parades' on the internet for stories so that all editors can pick as if from a menu, would do away with slush altogether, 'funny slush' (the title of this thread) or otherwise.
And writers would not have their story tied up with one editor's slush pile (maybe for years) but always be current with several editors.
Much of this is speculation and idea-broaching (hopefully for the benefit of all); and I shall continue to experiment (and I'd say many of my experiments as editor and publisher have already been seen to work or at least have been constructively thought-provoking).
des
http://www.nemonymous.com
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des
| | Posted on Thursday, February 03, 2005 - 12:33 am: | |
The point about an unknown (that is, not previously published enough to have a recognizable name) writer's story not being worth very much is that it's not worth the editor's and the publisher's reputations to steal his or her story.
Just a rider to my previous post: I'm sure this was not intended, but the above point only works assuming that a story by a well known writer *is* worth risking one's reputation to steal.
But, then, if one steals it, the well-known name could not be used with it.
In fact, logically, this makes the unknown writer's story more worthwhile of stealing, does it not? I don't know... Best to go back to my previous post and forget this one!
;-)
des |
George H Scithers
| | Posted on Saturday, February 05, 2005 - 06:58 pm: | |
A couple of points, then:
There are lots and lots and LOTS of publishable stories out there. A well-established magazine probably rejects about all but one percent of what comes in -- and lots of what is rejected is indeed solid, publishable fiction.
Finding needles in a haystack isn't all that difficult: needles gleam and glitter; hay just lies there.
George Scithers |
des
| | Posted on Sunday, February 06, 2005 - 12:22 am: | |
Agreed. des |
des
| | Posted on Sunday, February 06, 2005 - 04:40 am: | |
And changing tack - not specifically about anything other than the title of this thread - no slush should be considered as 'funny' unless it is an appreciative humour - because all slush is very serious submission material for the writers making it (however gauche their presentation is perceived to be).
des |
kundor
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 07:48 pm: | |
"Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peeked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them."
This IS science fiction -- it could very well mean what it sounds like, I thought! If it did in fact mean the legs, it's actually a pretty interesting opener. |
John Bushore
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 10:51 am: | |
I'm a writer rather than an editor, so I don't have examples of rejected material. But I have gotten into the habit of cutting and pasting lines from stories that I read in PAYING e-zines. Here are some, with names or other things that might reveal the author revealed. But these got by the editors.
Gently he tickled her with a father, running it up and down her bare arms and face.
(She) dropped right where she stood, smoke evading the hole in her head.
Appointment is at two, this afternoon," she said. "It's no one now. Why don't you take a shower and I'll fix you something to eat. Then we'll leave for the doctor's office."
(Her) face was freshly tanned and looked the more so with darkness falling
And here's one from a contest entry:
I followed inside behind (Smith) who was walking in front of me. |
KathyS
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 03, 2005 - 08:43 pm: | |
Here's some reportedly published BAD similes from romance novels:
http://www.kaos2000.net/archives/backpages/romance.html
Just to give you an example: "Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl." |
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